Married to a quadriplegic man, some advice?

I am married to a man who is a complete C6 quadriplegic. (For anyone who doesn't know that term, he broke his neck in a spot where all four of his limbs were affected.) We interact like any normal couple, the only thing that is really obvious is that he always is shoulder height to me because he sits down all the time. (If he were standing he'd be 6'3';! Yikes!)





The issue is, he has both intense muscle spasms occasionally and disreflexia. (sp?) He really gets down on himself and gets violently mad at his body when the spasms and/or disreflexic reactions get really bad. (The disreflexia is kinda rare, thank goodness.)





I love him very much and I have been a support to him regarding his daily needs as a quad since the day I married him and before that. But sometimes it is hard on my heart when he breaks down and hates his body for not working anymore, and I don't know how to be there. Counseling does little for him, because most counselors see him as a very well-adjusted, grounded man in spite of his level of injury. He's very self-therapeutic. But sometimes he cries... and sometimes I wish I could take his injury away. Sometimes he tells me how much he wishes he could do this-and-that for me if he were walking, and it depresses him...





I guess I wanna know, from people in relationships with quadriplegics/paraplegics and also from married couples in general... how can I be there for him when he gets like that? It's not often, but often enough. What should I do to comfort *myself* when he's like that?





Thank you.Married to a quadriplegic man, some advice?
I'm not a quadriplegic/paraplegic, however I have had a Stroke. I had my Stroke on September 20, 1994, when I was six years old. I'm now almost 21. The month of September is an extremely difficult even now almost 15 years later. My right arm, hand, leg and foot move on their own. I have no control over what they do. My hand is often times flipping people off without my knowledge.





I have 4 sisters. Nothing is wrong with them. Jealous and rage are what lashes out of me when I think of what could have been if this hadn't happened to me. It makes me hurt to know I will never be able to hold my own child properly or to wear high heels. However I try not to think about it. I try to focus on the good things that my Stroke has brought me.





You love him but sometimes you have to bear with his outbursts. You be his outlet. Sometimes you just have to say get over it. Yes this happened but you can't change the past. I know it sounds harsh, believe me it was hard to hear but it's for the best.





For you, you also need an outlet, join a group or go to the mall. Do something without him once in while. Everyone needs a break including you. You can email me if you want too. I can recommend other way to deal with it. You are a good women. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently. There's a quote that sometimes I say to myself when I can't do something I want too. ';We aren't disabled, we are differently-abled.';





Please email me if you want too. I hope this helped. I have loads more to say but felt like this was enough for right now. Good luck. Keep being strong, because if you were weak you never would have looked at him twice.Married to a quadriplegic man, some advice?
I heard of a program that helps quadriplegics It's very new I saw it on T V and you can check with the local hospitals but they are working on ways to help them walk again .Good Luck You are a good wife ,
You sound like you love him alot. I think that in itself is quite a lot for him. Knowing someone is going to be there for you, know matter what is comforting. Everyone gets down on themselves for one thing or another. Very normal. He sounds like he is handling the injury very well. I think it is quite normal for him to hate his situation, body, etc....





Keep being there for him. The long and short of it~he knows he can count on you and he knows just how much you love him.





Lots of luck to the both of you!
Hi Mouse ~





I'm going to address your last question first: The best way to comfort yourself is to be grateful that you can get up from your chair anytime you want to and walk somewhere, that you can go on amusement park rides and scream your head off, you can bathe and dress yourself ... in other words, be grateful for what you have. Your body is sound and whole. That should be enough comfort for anyone.





For your husband, it sounds like you are completely devoted to him and doing your best already. *big hug* How about this: Why don't you have a quiet talk with him one night over dinner, and work on the positives for him as well? Tell him how happy you are to be his wife, how much you appreciate everything he does for you, how much you love the life the two of you have, how much you love him being your husband. Ask him what he's most grateful for, and after he says, ';You, baby,'; smile sweetly and ask him what else? Really draw him out - because then, the next time he's having a meltdown, you can remind him of all the things he's grateful and happy for in his life, at a time when he needs to hear it the most. Next time he gets down on himself or cries, go over to him and just put your hand on his face and start caressing him. Let him get it out - cry with him, if you need to. Show him that he's not alone, and that you love him for who he is.





*another big hug*





Take care xoxo
People can have the same disability but the inner effects are unique to every individual. Everyone has different views and life experiences. Some disabled people are happy no matter what and don't have a care in the world. Other people are bitter and angry for their entire life.





I know a guy that refused to use an electric wheelchair because he thought it was a sign of weakness. He used a manual wheelchair instead and caused himself more spinal and lung problems. I don't know why he thought using an electric wheelchair was bad. For some reason I guess he felt using a manual wheelchair proved greater manhood.





Muscle spasms can be uncomfortable and exhausting. It's normal to get frustrated and medication may help the spasms. I don't know what you can do to comfort yourself. These things are a challenge and be as compassionate and patient as possible. Sometimes you don't need to say anything but let him know you are there for support.





I know it's hard, and you probably don't want to hear it, but everything happens for a reason. I have health problems and I've had many surgeries. Because of my health problems I've met many wonderful people. Without my health issues I wouldn't have met certain people. I wouldn't trade my experiences for anything. I am thankful for my health problems because it's helped me become a better person.





I don't base anything on appearances and I actually enjoy doing the opposite of what people expect. It's fun to see people get confused when I don't follow their preconceived ideas. I am a woman and I hope to marry a man that's around 5 or 6 inches shorter than me. If you look at our physical appearances we are complete opposites (not only in height). I don't care what people think because he's my soulmate!





It's great that you've found such a wonderful husband. Best of luck!





PS I don't know if you're a religious person but the Diary of Saint Faustina really helped me. It gave me a different perspective on suffering.

rimmel